Nicole

Those who know me in St Barnabas know me as a single parent. I have two children, coming up to 11 and 9 years old this year. However, I used to be in a happy marriage. I have been a Christian for most of my life, and although my husband was a ‘nominal’ Christian who did not really believe in God, he was happy to come to church.

We both worked in television doing long hours, so I gave up my job when we had children. But just after our second child was born my husband left me, very suddenly. He’d apparently fallen out of love with me and had become very antagonistic to my faith in God, which he cited as the main reason for the marriage breakdown.

I was shocked and in despair. I couldn’t believe that I’d be a single parent and even worse, a divorcee, in my mid 20s. I was so ashamed that I didn’t even tell my mother for weeks and hid it from my friends for a year or more.

And I had so many questions. Would God really allow this to happen? What was going to happen to me? How would I support my children? How would I manage looking after the children on my own, one baby just weeks old and a two year old child? It had been hard enough with two of us. Would I be on my own forever? And how would I manage to do all the things my husband used to do - the bills, changing burst tyres, putting up blinds and taking out the spiders? To top it all, my dream had been shattered – my dream of being married and living happily ever after. Instead I felt like I was under a life sentence.

I was stripped of everything I had held on to. Family, friends, money and self esteem were all gone. No one called by anymore, no one rang, no more invitations to dinner came and days would go past without me seeing anyone.

I felt a very physical pain, a huge hole in my chest, as if part of it had been torn out. I was grieving the loss of my partner and my heart ached. The worst feeling was the dark shadow of loneliness that went everywhere with me, even if I was in a crowded room.
I had been stripped of all I held onto but I knew I had Jesus. I knew he was with me and I prayed he would fix everything, getting it back to how it was and better.

I believe God can do much more than we could ask or imagine so I fell on my knees daily, praying in tongues* for hours. I had been unable to sleep for worry and stress so I used the many sleepless nights to weep, pray and intercede for my husband.
I would also read huge chunks of the Bible longing to get the next word from Him and to be lifted out of my struggles. Times like these with him would always carry me along, just a little way more.

I learned in these times how to love our enemy. I learned that our enemy is not the one we see, not the human who seems to be attacking us, but the devil and his forces blinding and using people as puppets.

The Bible says: “For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms” (Ephesians 6:12)

With God’s help I was able to see my husband as a victim and to feel love and compassion for him. In fact, I discovered that you can’t pray for God to bless and release someone without a true love and compassion for them growing. I no longer felt like a victim and full of self pity, but a fighter on the front line of a spiritual battle.

Despite prayer things didn’t get better. My health deteriorated and I become bed bound most of the time, only able to get up to do what needed to be done for the children. I was forced to face difficult court cases and stand before ruthless judges. I was on the receiving end of hate from people supporting my husband who didn’t even know me. And yet there were still children to take care of and daily life to manage.

There was a time when I felt I was actually losing my sanity. I had prayed so much and I was still in despair. The pain of loneliness was ever present. Did God really exist? In the middle of the night I heard a voice in my head telling me I was going mad, that there was no God, just nothing, and yes I had completely lost my marbles. I cried out to God regardless and within minutes I had fallen into a deep refreshing sleep, the first in months, and woke to the sound of singing in my head; it sounded like angels singing over me.

I pulled a group of my Christian friends together, from all around London. We met about two or three times a year to pray over me. These times were my key breakthrough points and each time they carried me forward. I would be filled with joy and feel completely in God’s presence as they prayed over me.

I was given verses from the Bible that my friends felt were God’s messages to me. Two of these scriptures helped me immensely.

Though the fig tree does not bud and there are no grapes on the vines, though the olive crop fails and the fields produce no food, though there are no sheep in the pen and no cattle in the stalls, yet I will rejoice in the Lord, I will be joyful in God my Saviour. (Habakkuk 3:17-19)

That clearly reflected where I was. There were no signs of fruit, of answers to my prayers, but I knew I had to stop being miserable and allow God to fill me with his joy. I had God and he was all I needed.

Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. (Romans 12:12)

I knew I had to put each part of this verse into action. I had to be joyful because I have God - so there is always hope. I had to be patient - even though I was facing difficult situations, I must stand through them. I had to be faithful in prayer – even though my circumstances seemed unchanged, God was encouraging me to keep on praying.

I kept on praying. My relationship to Jesus continued to grow beyond anything I had had before and I looked forward to my times with him. I didn’t feel lonely at these times. He was so close, even though nothing on the outside had changed very much. I committed everything to him. And when I had to go somewhere I would mentally place Jesus in the passenger seat in the car next to me as I drove, knowing I was not alone.

And now, nearly a decade on, things are so much better. Though my circumstances do not look much different, so much has changed in me. God didn’t bring my husband back; we are now divorced and he has had many other relationships. I still have to do everything alone, but I enjoy it and don’t feel lonely anymore.

I have a new dream for my life now that I am living out. Jesus has filled every empty space and provided me with so much. He is my happily ever after. I am joyful and peaceful, with my strength based solidly in God. And my health has returned. In fact I seem to be able to do so much more than before, even put up the blinds and change a burst tyre! - with a little help from friends. And even the spiders that my husband used to take out of the house for me – I just get the kids to do that now

God brought me through years of pain. He will always carry us through, because he promises never to leave us or forsake us. Even if you don’t see him carrying you at the time, trust him. Use hard times to draw close to him, make him your goal and focus, and not the physical situation that is staring you in the face. Remember you don’t fight a human enemy.

Often we pray for God to change things - and instead he changes us.