Cynicism, disappointment, apathy, busy, over-busy, consumed by life, running in the rat race, little sleep, disinterested in religion and going through the motions at church, lots on my shoulders but unable to do much, tired, no time for anyone, faith low. This sums up where I’ve been in the last couple of months.

Last week I went to hear Jason Westerfield speak. I didn’t know who he was but I was told he was worth going to see. Apparently he had been in ‘The Finger of God’ movie. I hadn’t seen that either so I wasn’t too excited to go.

But in light of how I’d been feeling and where my spiritual life was I knew I had to go to anywhere that might give me a fresh focus back on Jesus.

It wasn’t particularly inspiring, except that I found myself listening to him talk for two hours. I didn’t want him to stop and was saddened to leave. I suddenly got how the Chinese church can listen to sermons for hour upon hour. I didn’t get much out of what he actually said; I don’t know what it was. Maybe it was just that he seemed so close to God that being in the room with him meant I was closer to God, and that was what I wanted.

Later in the week I thought I’d take a look at this ‘Finger of God’ movie to see some more of Jason. He wasn’t in it much, but there were lots of people like him and I found myself in tears, convicted, repentant, ashamed of how I’d become.

You see, I’ve been praying for others for years and many little things have happened without doubt. But the truly blind seeing, the definitely lame walking, the deaf hearing, the dead rising and true creative miracles seem distant no matter how much I’ve prayed for them. And that's had a knock-on effect to how I've felt about God and what he does for us.

I’ve got to the point where sermons on healing just irritate me, praying for others to be healed or raised from the dead takes steely determination and hearing about creative miracles just leaves me thinking, ‘Yes, but I’ve never seen it happen anywhere close, nor do I know anyone who’s really seen anything significant, so I wonder if it ever does really happen.’

In this documentary film someone says, ‘Just because you haven’t seen God do anything through you or through your church, doesn’t mean he’s not doing it elsewhere. Do what it takes, go where you need to go and find out where he’s doing it.’

For me watching this movie was like going there.

Another line spoke of God being as big as our head. In other words we limit God by how big we feel he is.

I watched Heidi Baker, surrounded by orphan children in Mozambique, loving everyone, no matter what. People like her have given up all they have, leaving all their material focus and protection of all the stuff in life that consumes the rest of us, just to love. It may be to be with thieves, disabled, smelly, poor people young and old and having all the risks that go with serving these people. But they love regardless as they hold the people more precious than any things.

And the miracles followed as part of the outpouring of this love. The miracles weren't the main thing or the main focus; it's the loving that's far more important. In fact Roland Baker, Heidi’s husband said,

‘Miracles by themselves don't thrill people with God,. They didn't thrill people with Jesus when he was on earth. A miracle by itself does not accomplish what God is after.’

Heidi said we’ve got to become like little children. Until adults tell them otherwise, they believe God can do anything, heal deafness, cancer, blindness. They are not touched like we are by unbelief, materialism, disappointments from prayers unanswered or wrapped up in the busyness of our self-centered lives. Each one of these points applied to me and why I'd lost faith.

Yesterday my son spontaneously said something that made sense and tied in. He said if there was no stuff in the world then most of the world’s problems would not be there. No money and no money worries, no jealousy, no power struggles, no yearning for more things, no thieves. We’d just live in a world where we’d know God would give us what we needed, so we could just got on with being nice to each other instead.

It all seemed to fit into place. I’m so busy in this crazy western world that suddenly seems so superficial, a rat race of gathering stuff, consumed with decisions about whether to get the big flat screen or the bigger flat screen TV, increasing the fences round my house to keep people out that might steal it, or achieving what we are told we need to achieve - that I’ve no time to give, to love.

I lose faith because I don’t see God doing anything. But God moves through our loving and I’m not loving others to be that channel of God’s outpouring through me because I don’t want to risk losing what I have, either my time, or my things. Loving would mean re-prioritising and that’s a sacrifice of the life I know and the many comforts I don’t want to give up.

But as I wept and repented this morning about how I’ve doubted God, how I’ve fallen so far short and feel full of shame in his presence at what I’ve become, I remember the rich ruler in Luke 18:18 who came to Jesus, ‘the good teacher’ to ask how he could have eternal life.

Jesus told him that no one is good except God himself. Then he told him to sell all he had and follow him.

But the rich man had much and didn’t want to give it up. I too have much and don’t want to give up all I have.

‘Who then can be saved?’ everyone replied.

But therein lies the answer to the rich man’s questions. There is nothing WE can do to be saved.

Jesus answered the crowd, ‘What is impossible with men is possible with God’. It is only Jesus who can save us. Not one of us is good enough, we all fall too far short, and it’s nothing that we can do to fix it. He’s already done it for us.

And that's how it all started to come back to me. He's loved me so much already and he's still doing so much, despite my doubt and rejection of what he does, despite my not wanting to do things his way, despite my holding on to everything I've got as if I earned it and digging my heels in the ground, despite my complaining that he's not touching people tangibly, when all along I'm not seeing the bigger picture of the loving that's part of this.

I can only praise and thank him for his unbelievable grace and patience with me through this time.

So like never before I see that I too am in great need of Jesus and his redeeming grace, even now, years into my Christian life. I'm not as sorted and as perfect in God's eyes as I thought. In fact I feel I can't even stand in God's presence now for the shame of the true me I now see, but for Jesus, in whom I am totally indebted.

I see now how far short I fall of the perfect person he will eventually grow me into when I reach heaven, I know there’s much in me that needs sorting, but he’s done everything for me in saving me to enable me to get to that place in the end and I’m on the right road. I already owe him so much.

So my faith is restored. I believe he can do more than we ask or imagine. I’ll keep praying, asking and believing for more of God’s miraculous touch of healing and restoration in myself and those around, even if I don’t see him doing it through me.

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You can watch ‘The Finger of God’ documentary film for free online on youtube as I did http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kkxF8eHePzs

Followed by ‘The Jesus Film’ that Heidi Baker plays to people out in Africa before she preaches. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XKUr8WYFi2I